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  • Can you help?

    Can you help someone out by telling them what helped you out when going through your loved one getting ready to be incarcerated and them being incarcerated.

    What did you face and how did you deal with it?



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  • #2
    Help....

    A loved one headed to DOC is not something one can prepare for. My son was sentenced to DOC for a 10 year sentence. He will serve a minimum of 6 years. The 8 months from the arrest to the actual sentencing was enough to make even the strongest teeter on the edge of wondering if their sanity would come out in tact. The only thread of sanity in my case was that we had been working up to this for a few years and that he knew the consequences of his actions. To make the entire situation worse my first grandchild (my sons daughter) was born in November. She is my shining star but makes the whole situation even worse. My 1st born will not hold his daughter probably until she is 5 years old. How sad that is. He was making an attempt to get on the right path and this is something that came back from the year before. I wish there were magic words that I could say that would make you better prepared but there are not....Rest assured that I feel a little better as my son has been placed in a decent facility..... but only a little....I think that once your loved one is placed and you get a better understanding of what they are dealing with in there you may hopefully get some peace of mind. Good luck to you....and your loved one.....

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    • #3
      My son is serving a 10 year sentence for aggrevated assault on his girlfriend. I feel that is excessive to say the least considering it was more self defense. He had a public defender instead of a real lawyer because we couldnt afford one. The PD did absolutely nothing for him, never said a word all thru the court precedings. Im not condoning what he did but dont believe he should have gotten that much time. Murderers get less time.
      But, after thinking it over and over in my mind during the many sleepless nights, maybe its what is best for him. He was a drug addict and alcoholic. This forced him to get clean and sober and take a long hard look at his life. To really think about where his life was going. He himself admits now that this may have saved his life. That it made him realize what was going on and now he can do something with his life. Im just afraid with all the stigma around hiring an excon that he may never be able to get a good job and move on with his life.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by peggylou View Post
        My son is serving a 10 year sentence for aggrevated assault on his girlfriend. I feel that is excessive to say the least considering it was more self defense. He had a public defender instead of a real lawyer because we couldnt afford one. The PD did absolutely nothing for him, never said a word all thru the court precedings. Im not condoning what he did but dont believe he should have gotten that much time. Murderers get less time.
        But, after thinking it over and over in my mind during the many sleepless nights, maybe its what is best for him. He was a drug addict and alcoholic. This forced him to get clean and sober and take a long hard look at his life. To really think about where his life was going. He himself admits now that this may have saved his life. That it made him realize what was going on and now he can do something with his life. Im just afraid with all the stigma around hiring an excon that he may never be able to get a good job and move on with his life.
        One can not say that they feel what you feel. The emotions are like a roller coaster. Try to keep the faith and support him. PD/lawyers: it is sad, if my son or we could have afforded $50,000 for his lawyer and investigators they say he would not be where he is. He was not violent, first time in trouble and still cost big money, just could not go further. As far as a job, I have found the stigma really will not block many doors. I have worked in the field in the past and there are many programs. Good luck and God Bless.
        DAVID

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        • #5
          Originally posted by peggylou View Post
          My son is serving a 10 year sentence for aggrevated assault on his girlfriend. I feel that is excessive to say the least considering it was more self defense. He had a public defender instead of a real lawyer because we couldnt afford one. The PD did absolutely nothing for him, never said a word all thru the court precedings. Im not condoning what he did but dont believe he should have gotten that much time. Murderers get less time.
          But, after thinking it over and over in my mind during the many sleepless nights, maybe its what is best for him. He was a drug addict and alcoholic. This forced him to get clean and sober and take a long hard look at his life. To really think about where his life was going. He himself admits now that this may have saved his life. That it made him realize what was going on and now he can do something with his life. Im just afraid with all the stigma around hiring an excon that he may never be able to get a good job and move on with his life.
          Great advice Peggylou!! Seems like the only way to deal with these types of situations be it a child or a love one going to jail!! Thanks for sharing!!

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          • #6
            I dont know what to tell you, I am not dealing with my son being sent off well at all. I dont sleep, dont ever thnk of anything else. Where did I go wrong. It has split my entire family and I dont think the family will stay together through this

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            • #7
              I don't think anyone can really tell someone the best way to cope with it. My guy was out on parole and issues with a family member of his caused him to go back in. We had discussed him self revocating before he even got out on parole. Then when I went to see him, things got nasty with that family member (she can't stand to see him with a woman) and I drove him to town where he could turn himself back in. Since we had discussed it and we agreed when I drove him to town that it was the right thing to do and he was safer in there, I thought I could handle it. It hit me like a rock on the way home and I couldn't cry because I couldn't dare let others see me falling apart. I don't have any missgivings about him being there because I know he is safer there (scary thing to say) but I miss him so much and I still cry on many nights. If that family member hadn't done what she did then he'd still be out on parole and I could go spend a weekend with him instead of having to write letters and sit here waiting months before I can see him again. It feels like an eternity at this point. I'm so thankful for our letters though. They're what keep me going. I know 8 months is nothing compared to what many others face but it took 20 years for us to get back together as a couple and now that we are, I still can't be physically with him. Not sexually but just with him. To hear his voice, see him smile, all the little things.
              I can never give my man my heart because he is my heart

              Disclaimer: Any advice given is my own personal opinion and I am not liable for your subsequent actions. It's your life and your choice.

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              • #8
                We went through a little over a year of court hearings. The lawyer would tell us every time that my husband was going to get some jail time out of it. I heard what he said but just couldn't imagine why or how he would get jail time for what he did, let alone prison. It didn't make sense to me, so I guess I really didn't pay attention or heed the warning. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened that day anyway.

                The day they took him, I was in shock. My whole world fell apart. It has been a little over three months now, and I'm picking up all the pieces and trying to hold them together.

                The only advice I can give is what I follow myself: Stay busy, hold it all down, talk to people that understand, pray for inner peace, and know that someday your life will be whole again. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Put the body in motion and the mind will follow. Above all, PRAY!!!
                Where he goes, I go. Always.

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                • #9
                  My friend also was sentenced to the CA DOC for felony assault, but only was sentenced to 2 years. He just arrived to the 'reception center' and is majorly depressed. It is too far away to visit and the rules are not clear. I can't really feel too bad for him since I know this is the 4th Domestic Violence in 5 years, but I still feel really sorry for him. I cannot fathom what it must be like to be in prison.

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                  • #10
                    My fiance and I went through a year of waiting to see what was going to happen...Multiple public defenders that would not do their job, multiple court hearings, plea agreements, praying for a miracle and being at each others throats for the entire year...

                    I regret the past year fiance and I were together. I regret the last day. All we did was fight because of this huge dark cloud in our lives. The day before his final plea agreement signing was my birthday. He baked me a cake and I couldn't even hardly eat it because I couldn't hold myself together long enough...

                    It's a hard thing to deal with but, I want to tell everyone to be strong and love them as much as you can before they go. Pray for strength to see the both of you through.
                    Even though it's about to happen, try to do something each day or week to take your mind off of what's going on; get out and do something; take a walk; see a movie; just do something fun!
                    Let them know that you are there for them no matter what and that you love them! Don't give up because there is hope!

                    Looking back I realize that if we have only found God before he went in, I know that we would have been so much better off.

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                    • #11
                      Coping with the Inevitable

                      The love of my life is serving time, and believe me I never thought I'd be "one of those girls" who were dating or married to a man behind bars. No one understands what you are about to go through, unless they have also been in your shoes. I'm not the one doing time, but many times I feel as if I'm doing time with him. When preparing for the sentencing, or your loved one actually being sent away to begin serving time, all I can suggest is to be realistic and hope and pray for the best. An inmate's life doesn't stop once they get incarcerated, in fact a whole new chapter in their life begins. The same can be said for their loved ones who are affected by their sentencing. To cope with it all, stay in touch with eachother as much as possible. Write letters, go visit your loved one in person, and do both as much as you can. This will prove to be therapeutic to both the inmate and yourself. I'd suggest being open and honest about your feelings, hopes, and fears. Most likely your loved one serving time shares the exact feelings, hopes, and fears that you do. Be strong, take care of yourself, and stay in touch with the inmate as much as possible. Time will only tell what the future will hold for the both of you. Everyone's story is different, so just follow your heart.
                      Melissa- TX

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                      • #12
                        Stay strong

                        thank you for the advice, especially the part about being honest, about your feelings

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                        • #13
                          My son is in prison and he is my oldest and he has 2 children and his wife was in w/ him in all the trouble they got into but he took the rap so the children could have mom home w/them....He got 5 yrs and I always seemed to blame myself asking what did I do wrong I was a single mother back then but after he went to prison we talked and wrote and he told me Mom don't blame yourself and dont be hard on yourself... He said he did the crime now he is doing the time....The hard thing for me now is his wife is going to have another man baby in June and it hurts like hell to even see her but I have to swallow my Pride in order to see the g-kids.... ppl just don't know how a person would deal w/some of these problems cuz they never walk in your shoes.... But I admire all of the ppl here who write and cheer others up when they are down it is just wonderful to read things here that just help me get though each day.... I even had a nervous breakdown from this and my hubby, so, and daughter had me put in the hospital cuz they were afraid and so was I that I was going to do something terrible to her...but then I would be right where my son is in prison and no good for anyone.... But I don't blame myself and I am there for my son though thick and thin and he called me the other day just to tell me "Thank You Mom I love you and you are my Rock and a thank you for being there when he needed me the most" That meant so much just hearing it and coming from his heart.....I just wanted to share that and tell you all that you are all strong women & men to stand by your loved ones.....God Bless you all....Patty from Kansas

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by MelisTX View Post
                            The love of my life is serving time, and believe me I never thought I'd be "one of those girls" who were dating or married to a man behind bars. No one understands what you are about to go through, unless they have also been in your shoes. I'm not the one doing time, but many times I feel as if I'm doing time with him. When preparing for the sentencing, or your loved one actually being sent away to begin serving time, all I can suggest is to be realistic and hope and pray for the best. An inmate's life doesn't stop once they get incarcerated, in fact a whole new chapter in their life begins. The same can be said for their loved ones who are affected by their sentencing. To cope with it all, stay in touch with eachother as much as possible. Write letters, go visit your loved one in person, and do both as much as you can. This will prove to be therapeutic to both the inmate and yourself. I'd suggest being open and honest about your feelings, hopes, and fears. Most likely your loved one serving time shares the exact feelings, hopes, and fears that you do. Be strong, take care of yourself, and stay in touch with the inmate as much as possible. Time will only tell what the future will hold for the both of you. Everyone's story is different, so just follow your heart.
                            Well said Melissa, I have found that being honest in EVERY aspect is the best policy. I convey my hopes & fears to my husband all the time. His biggest fear is me leaving him, especially with all the stories he hears from fellow inmates...ugh! My husband signed for 8 yrs and we knew it was gonna be hard going into this nightmare. I can honestly say the hardest part was watching them take him away. Luckily for us he has been put in a facility that seems to be pretty decent. He says the GANGS are the hardest to deal with, he is so tired of being asked if he is solo or family. I worry about him alot because of this, but am confident he will be able to steer clear of any associations. I am fortunate enough to be able to visit him every week and I know that is not always the case with most people. I will say to anyone new, do whatever you can to setup an e-message acct thru JPAY...it has helped us tremendously. Being in constant communication, seeing eacn other every week has allowed me some form of sanity...lol. I hope and pray that anyone reading these posts finds comfort in the fact that we are NOT alone
                            [url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]
                            No matter the time, no matter the day...I'm with my Hubby ALL the way!

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                            • #15
                              Our nightmare started last June, when hubby found out there was a warrant for him, he turned himself in, spent the night in jail, and was released the following morning on pretrial release. The SA kept extending the hearings, til 11/09/09, where she had made a plea offer, we couldn't afford an atty, so he had a PD, (no help there) he was offered 58 months, with 85% gain time, that would put his release date around 02/2014. During this whole process, we heard from the PD, and pretrial release that he'd more than likely get a jail sentence.

                              But we hoped for the best, then when he went to court last November, he got the plea offer, they of course said take it or leave it, he decided to take it, altho he knew what he was getting the judge set his sentencing for 01/13/10. So we had a little over 2 months to prepare.

                              You really can't prepare for something like that, we both went thru all the emotions, like grieving for a lost loved one...my way of coping w/it at first was to refuse to discuss it, my logic was if I didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't happen, (didn't work too well). But we did spend more time w/each other, we were both more attentive, went every place together. When he would try to talk about it, I'd just start crying, then he'd get frustrated, I realized he needed to talk about it, and I needed to be strong for him. We made what preparations we could, spent as much time together, that last week was really heartbreaking, but we tried to make it the best we could. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was sit in that courtroom, and helplessly watch as my husband was fingerprinted & shackled, and taken out the back door. I tried to be strong for him, he kept telling me take it one breath at a time...which is something I still have to do on some days, is one breath at a time. One day at a time on most days. I have my good days & bad, we all do. I try to stay busy, write him every chance I get, coz what we think is mundane to us, is riveting to them. I'll be able to go see him every weekend hopefully very soon. And I pray alot, and I thank God that every day I get thru, that we get thru, is 1 day less til he's back home.
                              'To be brave is to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.'








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