Is it ok to spoil him? How much is too much?

[vblizzy]

My BF has been gone for 7 months. He just got to quarentine a week ago. While he was in the county I did not miss not one visit. I was there every week at the same time, like clockwork! I sent 30 dollars every payday, which was twice a month. I put money on the phone through CBS (evercom) every payday, so that we could talk in-between our visits. I also sent at least two letters a week. I sold some of his items so that I'd have money to send him for a TV once he gets to his center. I want to make sure he has enough for his basic needs, but I think I may have a tendency to spoil him sometimes. When he was in the county, other inmates were like... "Man, you get a visit every week!" Oh!, I forgot to mention that I would even go to his window at least once a week and stand out there waving and looking silly. I would take the dog up there and sometimes even force my friends to come too, so that I wouldnt look crazy by myself.. LOL! Anyways, now that he's about to start his bid.. I want to keep it consistant but I don't want to overdue it at the same time. He still committed a crime and his life should not be all "peaches and cream". So, how much is too much??? I want to make sure he appreciates the things I do for him and not take any of it for granted... What are your thoughts?????

[robsladykat]

Spoiling a man is just like spoiling a child. Once you say no to either one they throw a tantrum. I went to the mail box today and I had 3 letters from my husband. I could'nt have been happier because today I woke up sick and really needed to hear from him to help me through the day. No such luck! I send him 200 a month plus magazine subscriptions and books. He is able to spend 50 a week where he is so I want to make sure that he has everything he needs and some of what he wants to be comfortable while he's there. Problem is when he went to order commissary this week he didn't have enough money because the money I sent did not hit to his account in time. Therefore I got the letters that I got. So I sent him all those letters back and a nasty 3 page letter of my own informing him that if he was not satisfied with the way I am taking care of him then he should feel free to find someone else who will. I feel like I am here with our kids, I am paying our bills I am doing this marriage on my own right now and he has reverted to acting like a spoiled little brat! Anyway I somehow don't think that my ranting today will help you but maybe you should think about setting some boundries now before things get to the point they are at with me. I plan on doing just that myself.

[wishin4keywest]

I don't consider visits or phone calls or making sure there's money in their commissary spoiling them - at least I never looked at it like that. I look at it as doing the best I can to provide comfort and support. my husband has started to go off a couple times and I don't say anything - I let it go and change the subject. After a day or two, depending how soon we can talk, he realizes what happened. I don't say anything because I can't understand what he's going thru, no matter how much he tells me or explains what it's like, I'm living on the outside. There's a high level of frustration, they have no control of anything - when they shower, eat, etc. No matter what they say, I think you have to take a step back and realize it's not directed at you personally - I'd rather have him venting at me than saying or doing something there that's going to end in trouble for him.

[robsladykat]

While I agree with you wishin4keywest about him taking frustrations out on me rather than getting in trouble for them in there, I would just like him to write what hes angry about, read it back to himself and then throw it away because it's not going to do either of us any good to get through this. I dont really consider visits and such as spoiling. I think if we were allowed visits things would be easier but I also think that if he feels the need to act out over something I have absolulty no control over then he will need to be put in his place and boundries need to be set forth. We'll see waht happens. I know they are stressed in there as are we out here but I also know what it's like in there and I get mad that he does this.

[DBELL]

I understand the letters twice a week because it does get boring in there and you also want to be there for them i was doing the same thing but i had to remember that they can be independent in their now that i stop doing alot of things my man got a job and now all i do is put money on the phone so he can call and he takes care of the rest, one thing we must remember let a MAN be a MAN! you can do nice things for them but dont do it all that begins to form bad habits and when they get home they expect you to do it all,still show love but slow down a little bit..

[alocsLADY]

Girl lol..going to the window..you are too funny but that's cute.. yeah that is very true if you slack a lil bit or something happens they tend to act like lil *** kids..that's where i have to correct him or i just let it slide and he usually comes at me sayin im sorry i didn't mean all that..they have all day to think bout how they acted towards us and most of us have to go about our daily activites....my man's cellie is always one to say f*** females and his cellie will try to clown him like ur all in love and **** but my man tells him straight up i don't have no body.. i don't have my family helping me like you do..all i have is my girl..my girl does everything for me...I make sure he is taken care of and he gets everything he ask for but sometimes he starts to take it for granted but in the end he knows i am doing my best and will be here... just make sure he taken care of and comfortable. My man jus got a Play station 2 that is spoiled lol...as long as he is happy my life is easy though so its all good

[vblizzy]

Yep, the window thing was crazy! I actually made it a part of my weekly visits. He even said I looked crazy out there. But when I asked him if he wanted me to stop coming up there, he said no. He said he looked forward to seeing me. He said a lot of ladies come up there and hold signs or do whatever. On his birthday this year, I threw him a party in the park with all of our friends. After it was over, we all went up to his window with balloons and let them go in the air.. He said that was the best thing anyone has ever done for him! I don't mind looking crazy for my Man! LOL it was funny tho.. Thanks everyone for your responses and advice.. I'll deff take it into consideration.

[Talyn]

while i am new to this myself and i may not be doing this too much longer i thought i might share the limit i set for myself that i am sending to the first person i ever loved and why i set that limit.

i have decided to send him 60$ once a month but i will send him $10-15 extra on the month of his birthday and on holidays like christmas. i figure this is more than enough for him to get his basic hygene items, enough stamps evelpoes paper etc to write 2-3 letters a week and still have a little bit left over for comfort items. i dont know if im correct on this or not, but i am going by the fact that 20 stamps is 8 bucks out here and that when i was in jail for 90 days when i was 18 i remember what commissary was like etc.
i would put moer if money wasnt an object for me or if perhaps i was actually married to him but the thing for me is i havent seen him in 16-17yrs and while i have always loved him i dont know why he commitied the crimes he did and untill i hear more from him ive got to set some sort of limit because all my life ive helped others and gotten walked on i cannot allow it to go that far anymore, really when i found this guy i had the pills all counted out and ready to go so i could end my own life the day i got the letter from him.
im not asking for pity or attention im just being honest, things are very hard for me i dont even have anyone i can talk to wich is why i rant here.
anyhow i put the entire suicide idea on hold because if he really meant what he said that is somethign that is defintaltey worth living for, being with the love of my life.. i dreamed of being with him all of these years and i know i can see some things before they happen i am truly hoping i was seeing what is to come and not just seeing what i secretly wish for every moment i am alive, wich is to be safe in his arms again, forever.

anyhow.. and that window thing was crazy to read about but you know what, i would do it for my man if i could if i knew it made him feel better or showed him how much i loved him.
i just wish he would show me how much he loves me by writing more than once every 2-3 weeks but if that dont change i will just have to cool this off and help him as a friend at least untill im ready to pass onto the next world. because while i love him i cant sit out here for the next 2 yrs waitign for him if he cant take the time to write me once or twice a week when im doing everything i can to make this easier for him, and no one else is helping him u know everyone else in his life abandoned him, and here it is i swooped out of nowhere and am doing this.. i hope he realizes how ****** lucky he is that i still love him and that he doesnt abuse it.. but meh im sorry for ranting im just mad i havent heard from him.
but i do agree limits should be set they can work in there and take care of themselves and they are suppsoed to be the men and they shouldnt put all of this on us because the fact is we DONT have to be doing this and its not like its going to be so easy for them to find someone who will truly love them the way we do. cuz im sorry i know there are desperate ppl but id like to think our guys are smart enough to realize they got a good thing going before they loose it

[hotT'ssnowbaby]

As long as he appreciates what you do than I don't think it is "spoiling" him but providing for him that same as you would (but in a different way) if he were home. I do all those things as well, well except going to the window but that was awesome, and he makes it easy because I know how much he appreciates me and I know he would do it for me if the tables were turned.

[Dawgette]

I'm not sure if I should feel guilty or not now lol. I gave my guy $120 to last 6 months (as I really can't afford more) and he says I'm spoiling him. But I guess in spoiling it all depends on the person and how much they appreciate it. He's never had anyone there for him simply because they loved him so getting help and support while in there is new for him. I consider myself spoiled because he sends me 2 to 3 letters a week. No guy has ever cared for me enough to go out of his way (let alone leave permanent pen imprints in his fingers) for me like that.