finding the first person i ever loved after all this time and they are in prison.

[Talyn]

well i am going to hope im not going to run into any biggots and just throw it on the table and ask for input.

im gay and the first man i was ever in love with and i, were very happy together at least untill our parents found out and forbade us to see each other and nearly killed us over what we had been doing.
it has been almost 17yrs since then, not a day in my life has gone by that i havent thought about him, wondered how he was, and missed him. well recently i found that hes in prison for at least another 23 months so i wrote him and asked how he was and admitted how i still felt.
only in my wildest dreams could i have ever gotten the reply from him that i did. i mean, this is leterally something i have wanted to happen for all of my life and prayed about but i cant help wondering if perhaps i am being blind. i have been hurt alot in my life and i really coulndt deal with it again. ive told him, that whether or not he does still have feelings for me i would help him either way but he has said it doesnt matter and that when he gets out he will gladly come to where i am now for us to be together, etc. wich really sets my heart racing but im so nervous about it.
i know i was the first person he ever loved just like he is the first person i ever loved but i also know that in all of this tiem we both have changed a bit even if our feelings have not. we were both married to other people but neither of our marriages worked out, and it seems alot of our paths in life have been similar with the possible exception that he tried to be bi for awhile to keep his dad happy whereas i fought my parents and forced them to accept me, i was even sent to "str8 camp" to be fixed needless to say it didnt work.
well im not sure what i should do i mean, evidently he has a friend in prison hes told about me and he has had this friends mom call me and tell me that he missess me and loves me very much etc, and while thats nice and i do still love him i am very afraid im going to get suckerd or played.
i mean, i would help him if we got back together or not, and he knows this.. so am i just being paranoid or is this normal?
i was in jail myself for awhile so i know its possible for people to make mistakes and learn from them.. i havent been in trouble for a long time tho. anyhow ive been putting money on his books so he can get stuff like paper/pen/stamps or what not so he can write. i didnt think that was a big issue but im also pretty sure sending anything more than 75 a month is probably a bit much. he has not asked me for a specific amount or anything and hes been very grateful for the little i put on there when i first found him, i am just worried ansd was wondering if anyoen could give me any input?
i still love this man i always have and i think i always will, but i know waiting 23 months is going to be very hard on me and before i really commit to do this i could use the input of others.

thanks in advance for any and all of your replies im really hoping for some human compassion here instead of the biggotry im pretty sure ill see some hint of, but i had to try..

[robsladykat]

Honey, Ignore the people who will try to put you down. They are just trying to make themselves feel better. 17 years is a long time and people may not be how we remember them to be. Through letters you will get to know each other again. I think that it's great that you both still share feelings for each other and it is a hard commitment to make because he still has 23 months left to go but if your willing and able to help him out I say go for it. It's common I think for a person to worry about being played but you have to have some trust. See where things go in letters and maybe phone calls. You have sent him $ already and that amount you have set is good. I hope for the best for you both and keep us posted.
Ps. Is there really such a thing as str8 camp? OMG thats terrible!

[turtlesWIFEY]

17 yrs is along time. But you can get to know each other againt through letters and phone calls. You can't go through life thinking the next person is going to hurt you. just dust you self off and put yourself out there. I know its easier said than done, but it doesn't hurt to give it another chance. It is going to be hard 23 months..but if you want to stay down for him , you can do it.

[Talyn]

i would like to thank you both very much for replying and being so kind and open minded. and i do agree, that while 23 months will be hard, the time will give us a chance to get to know the changes that have come upon us and give us a chance to know each other again.
i guess the main reason i am worried about being played is i remember what i saw alot of ppl doing in jail when i was there for a short time, i am trying not to associate that with things like my x hubby who became a meth addict and chose a drug over me but its hard not to. i had sworn off ever letting anyone into my heart again because i have a very hard time, putting my foot down. i get into the nasty habit of worrying too much about other people, and then not being able to say no when i ought to, for example i met someone i thought was nice fewlt sorry for them that it was winter and they were homless so i let them crash at my place, just for them to try and dictate to me where i was going to eat, what i was going to watch on my, what i was going to listen to in my car, oh yeah and this guy wanted to drive my car, too. needless to say i was able to put my foot down after awhile and toss him out but it did take me a bit longer than i think it should have for me to do it. i mean, as far as i am concerned the guy was taking a bit of kindness and trying to run with it, but even when people are kind to you i think you should show them respect and courtesy, and this guy wasnt, and its not like i was even invloved with him in any way.
today i got another call from the friends mom, and i told her something i was afraid to tell my first love in my first letter to him so i didnt, but i did make her aware of it and told her to plz relay that two letters are on the way explaining things, but that he needs to be aware that i have made my share of mistakes in life and trusted the wrong ppl and ended up HIV poz because of that. i had honestly thought that for sure would have put and end to this but apparently not, the message i was given was that its ok and it doesnt matter.
needless to say i am a bit ambivalent. i know that i am willing to try this but i also know myself well enough to know this is going to be hard as hell on me.
he keeps finding ways to get msgs to me, that he really wants to hear my voice etc, so i made arrangments to have a landline installed tommorow so i can send him the bill and the number so he can call, since as i understand it my cell phone wich ive used as my main line for years wont accept collect charges.
i am very nervous about speaking to him i really am afraid i may break out in tears, there was never anything wrong with our relationship all those years ago we were both very happy, the only wrong that ever came out of all of that was the reaction we got when my mother destroyed a safe i had been keeping his love letters in and then showed his bible-thumping abusive dad the notes. i am smart enough to know i never got over being split from him and that i have alot of unresolved feelings and i am trying my best to sort them out. i just never, well ok yeah i had dreams about us someday being back together but i would always wake up from them realize that it was a dream, cry for a bit because it made some of the hurt of loss fresh and try to dismiss it. when i sent him the first letter i honestly did not expect the reply i got and in fact feared that i would get no reply at all, because all those years ago when our paretns split us up i was willing to keep trying no matter what the cost to be with the one i loved, i didnt care about my parents or his dads biggotry or stupidity. i however, never knew that his dad had nearly killed him when he found out, wich may explain why i would always look up to find him staring at me but he would never answer me when i said something to him.
i can say this tho, i have been with a few ppl since i got HIV and the majority of them did not have hiv, it is not something that is as easy to get as you might think, i mean hell i was married to a man for 6yrs and all and he still to this day doesnt have it, but im pretty sure that if he keeps going he will end up with it since he is shooting up and wants no help.
anyhow i explained all of this in my letters to him that i am waiting for to get there, but im trying to start getting used to the idea that this may not be a bad thing. i was perfectly ready to spend the rest of my life alone or even end my own life, needless to say this put alot of things into perspective that really did me some good.
so, i am trying to adapt to the idea that if i am just able to hang on and take it a day at a time that in the end it will be worth waiting all of these years. or at least i am hoping for that.
oh, and yes there IS such a thing as "str8 camp", see after my first love and i were split i tried to kill myself i could not see the rest of my life without him, although young we had planned our entire lives out together. having all of that yanked away at such a time in my life i was not ready to deal with it, i think i could have dealt with it had we split of our own accord but my parents trying to tell me i had no idea what love was?
please. im many things but not stupid i have always been very book smart and grown for my age i knew exactly what the deal was.
well anyhow i was put into a psych hospital for 7 months after i tried to kill myself where i learned to accept the loss and tried to begin healing, with the realization that there would be others in my life and that someday i wouldnt have to fear my paretns anymore.
wehn i got out, the hospital was a bit upset with my parents for refusing to go to family therapy to learn to acept em for who i was. instead there response was to ship me to my "baptist bible beleiving" uncle who has his own church and they took me to a place named freedom village where they tried to tell met his was all the work of the devil tempting me etc.
appreantly my mother had not told them i had actually been in love and with someone for 2-3 yrs before they even caught on and i had been alot lucker in that i had been able to educate myself about my own sexuality and that i was not the only one nor was i abnormal for it, so when they tried to make me express guilt for having loved the first person i ever did i refused. i was willing to put up with alot of **** but there was just no way anyone on this earth could convince me that my very real love for another person was wrong when nothing bad ever came of it- the only bad came from not understanding and not even trying to understand by our parents. needless to say they refuesed to let me stay there because they worried i would make others "relapse into sin" and i was told that i would burn in hell and everyting i touched would die, and i thought it was so funny for these people to say that when their lord and savior jesus said, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone.." but they seem to beleive that their rationalition that they hate the sin but love the sinner, even if they treat the sinner like ****, makes them exepmt from the religious rules they would have enforced on me.
but all of that is past me now im an adult on my own and trying to find my way in life. i really had thought i was ready to die or even just spend the rest of my life alone only in my wildest dreams and secret hopes could something like this have happend and that is what makes it so scary, i am so used to **** happening to me and to being hurt by everyone that now that the one person who never did hurt me is back around i have no idea how to handle it.
i did put 20 on his books when i first found him because i saw what he was charged with and while it did disturb me i know well enough to know his family would have disowned him for it, and i know i would have apreciated the help. i then waited and i got his letter, and when i found that he needed stamps etc so he could write i put another 20 on, and then i follwed that with putting 60 on for this month (i figure 60 a month is a good clean figure, a book of stamps is less than 10 bucks so, i figure its an amount so he can get what he needs but not come to think hes being spoiled.. he knows ill help him either way but i still dont like the idea of feeling that i am buying someone.
of course he was always the more "manly" one of us so that kind of puts me in a sutation similar to alof of the women i have read about on here.
he has said that not a day went by he did not miss me or think of me either, and other stuff, and that its funny that we woud find each other after all of this time after thinking of each other ad missing each other all these years. i am hoping that the next few months will give me time to adjust to the changes in our lives, for example when we were together back then we were a secret to all but out closest friends who supported us being together and even thought it was sweet. i was *not* prepared to have another inmate i dont know's mother call me and relay things that my first love asked his friend to have his mom call and relay to me, im so used to us being a secret that this was a shock and its definatley new.. i can only hope that it means that if i do go thru with this and we do end up back togther that now that we are adutls we wont have to hide or be afraid of how or when we show each other how we feel.

anyhow i am sorry if this was a babble ive got so many emotions runing rampant at the moment, but again i really apreciate your replies and your support and am so grateful for it. if there are any suggestions or other input you coudl give i would be all eyes/ears and most greatful for it. i never thought it was possible to reuinite with the first person i ever loved and now that its starting to happen its changed so many other views i had on life.

[robsladykat]

I hope that you just take time and move slowly in to this new again relationship. Because you know that you have been taken advantage of in the past you guard is up. I understand that. Try to set yourself some limits about how you want other people to yreat you. DO NOT ever let somone push you around. It is a learning process, belive me I know that first hand. My husband is doing his bid for domestic violence. Anyway, Nothing is so bad that you should even concider the thoughts that you expressed here. That saddened me to hear. Everything happens for a reason but nothing should ever be allowed to break you. Get it? I know you are a smart guy and you will see things for what they are but in saying that allow yourself to be led by your head as well as your heart. It's a great sign that he has had this mother of his friend call you to express his feelings and in this day and age Homosexuality is not as taboo as it used to be. If anyone gives you grief there is a little button labeled "Ignore" I hope that you will use it. Personally, I am happy that you found this site and I hope you continue to visit. You will find strength to stand by your man for his time and you and he will become great friends for it if nothing else.
I may get some slack for this but I don't really belive that bible thumpers are any better than the rest of us. Some of them have more skeletons in their clostets than they will ever admit! I tend to shy away from them as I know they think the only way to get through this life is by what they say is good. Don't get me wrong I do belive in God but I also know that nothing I could do on this earth I won't be forgiven for when the time comes. I hope that after all these years you parents have finally accepted you as you are but if thats not the case then love them from a distance and get on with doing what makes you happy and don't try to change because someone else thinks you should! Good luck hon with this new chapter in your life and like I said b4 just take the time to get to know each other again. What was ment to be will be.
Kat

[Dawgette]

I agree. Take it slow and see how it ends up. My guy is my first true love and we've both been through failed marriages. We're both nervous and skeptical cause of all the hurt we've been through with others. It's normal. Being gay or straight is neither here nor there to me other than making a difference in who my partner is. Either way many of us have parents who don't accept us as we are and push us to be what they want us to be. Though I can't believe yours actually sent you to straight camp. (rhetorically speaking of course. I can believe it's just mean) Of course a couple of my friends were kicked out and on their own since they were 16 for not being what their parents wanted them to be. Anyway, you won't know if things will work out with this guy or not unless you give it a try. Just be careful, get to know him again and see where it goes. That's all anyone can do.

Robsladykat I'm with ya on the biblethumpers. I've been told so many times that I'm going to hell that they get annoyed now cause I simply respond "I'll save you a seat on the bus"

[robsladykat]

Robsladykat I'm with ya on the biblethumpers. I've been told so many times that I'm going to hell that they get annoyed now cause I simply respond "I'll save you a seat on the bus"[/QUOTE]

I may need one of those seats too but hey I kinda prefer the heat!

[misschay]

Originally Posted by robsladykat

Robsladykat I'm with ya on the biblethumpers. I've been told so many times that I'm going to hell that they get annoyed now cause I simply respond "I'll save you a seat on the bus"

I may need one of those seats too but hey I kinda prefer the heat![/QUOTE]




LMAO i say the same thing!!!

[robsladykat]

LOL looks like we are gonna need a bigger bus!

[misschay]

lmao i see!!!