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  1. #1
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    Default How do I deal with being angry with my son while in prison

    I am fairly new to this forum and have a 19 year old son sentenced to prison for 2 years. He has made terrible choices in his life and I am hoping that this is the wake up call he needs. I feel like I am being used by him to put money in his account for store items and stamps, to purchase the $85 secure pak for him, to keep money in his phone account. He also had a 2 year old son that his father and I are making sure he has everything he needs and trying to maintain a relationship with him so he does not forget his father while he is prison. I send him pictures of his son every couple of weeks. I write him on jpay a couple of times a week. I found out today that he is taking the pictures I send him and sending them to his girlfriend (that I thought they had broken up) so she can see how big the baby is getting. We do not approve of this girl and don't trust her at all. I am not blaming her for what our son has done but she is not completely innocent either, she just was not implicated at all. I want to send him an email and yell at him and to tell him how used I feel and how by continuing a relationship with this girl he is continuing to make bad decisions for his life. He was first locked up in county jail in April and transferred to prison in August. In all of this time I have received two letters from him and is not because he does not have the money for stamps and envelopes. Then I find out he is taking things I am sending him and mailing them to her. He does call me every couple of days, because I make sure he has money to make phone calls. I am so mad at him again I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I do tell him how I feel he will end up getting mad and doing something stupid and cause more trouble for himself. How do you other mothers deal with thier children when they are mad at them and in prison. Do I not get him upset until I know that he can handle or it or really let him know how I feel? I know this is long but could really use some advice.

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    At what point do you plan on letting this guy grow up? You are not responsible for his decisions...he is...good, bad or otherwise. By doing all these things for him, you don't allow him not to feel the full weight of his actions either. For him, prison is like summer camp because mom makes sure that he has money to spend on phone time, money on the books to buy things and makes sure his relationship with his son is going well.

    HE needs to start doing all these things. If he wants a relationship with his son, he is the one who has to figure it out, not you. He is the father and he bears the responsibility for making sure it is what it ought to be despite the circumstances. He currently gets 3 meals a day (and i didn't say they were good meals, just that he gets them) he has a roof over his head and all states have provisions for people who are indigent to get access to mail and other sundry items. If he wants extra spending money, he can get a job on the inside, make craft items and barter them away for other stuff and earn it like most everyone else.

    By you continually doing all these things for him, he never has to grow up, he doesn't have to become responsible for his own actions...and in the end it sounds like he does what he wants to do anyways, with or without your permission.
    Send him $25 a month for phone calls to call you and only you, cut back on the pics to maybe 1 a month (and then only if he asks for it, if not, don't sweat it) and sorry to say, there is nothing you can do about his being in contact with this girl...he's 19, he will be 21 when he gets out and capable of making his own decisions...as parents, we just get to sit by, offer advice but in the end we have to let them fall or run on their own...as hard as that may be.

    You don't have much of a choice...being locked up is no reason to act like a jerk so you have to tell him how you feel.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by djb View Post
    I am fairly new to this forum and have a 19 year old son sentenced to prison for 2 years. He has made terrible choices in his life and I am hoping that this is the wake up call he needs. I feel like I am being used by him to put money in his account for store items and stamps, to purchase the $85 secure pak for him, to keep money in his phone account. He also had a 2 year old son that his father and I are making sure he has everything he needs and trying to maintain a relationship with him so he does not forget his father while he is prison. I send him pictures of his son every couple of weeks. I write him on jpay a couple of times a week. I found out today that he is taking the pictures I send him and sending them to his girlfriend (that I thought they had broken up) so she can see how big the baby is getting. We do not approve of this girl and don't trust her at all. I am not blaming her for what our son has done but she is not completely innocent either, she just was not implicated at all. I want to send him an email and yell at him and to tell him how used I feel and how by continuing a relationship with this girl he is continuing to make bad decisions for his life. He was first locked up in county jail in April and transferred to prison in August. In all of this time I have received two letters from him and is not because he does not have the money for stamps and envelopes. Then I find out he is taking things I am sending him and mailing them to her. He does call me every couple of days, because I make sure he has money to make phone calls. I am so mad at him again I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I do tell him how I feel he will end up getting mad and doing something stupid and cause more trouble for himself. How do you other mothers deal with thier children when they are mad at them and in prison. Do I not get him upset until I know that he can handle or it or really let him know how I feel? I know this is long but could really use some advice.
    We dealt with that with are oldest son from the age of 17 to 25. We was there faithfully, court apperance, money,writing, etc. you name it for our son, we did it. But, I stopped when his dad sad babe' we can't give up on him. Nooooo, I will never give up on our son, but I backed up for me and our son. He had to learn the hard way and now ''He'' realize it after 8 years in and out. Our son have to learn his value and worth because I know we put it in him, but it is his choice personally to use it. From 1# mom to another, just back up a little bit because you will still start to be that crutch and he need to stand up as a young man he is growing up to be. He can never go backwards with age, but move forward because time waits on no1#. Take care, ''Rockyj''

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    Namaste,

    The advice of the other two is correct. We have a visitor in our home for 18 years or so. During this time, we try to teach them the rules of life as we understand them, but then it is time for them to discover for themselves what they are capable of.

    What is of greater interest to me is why you might be feeling used. You can only be used if you allow your own power to be usurped by another. No one can take your power unless you let them; read "give it to them." Why have you chosen to give him your power? I note that you are angry that he has it, but I think the anger is rooted in your knowing that you have given him the power to use you. If you direct your attention inward to the source of the anger rather than outward to the trigger of it, you will find a much greater healing for yourself than anything you might say to him about it.

    I can take all the guesswork out of whether your son will continue to make ineffective choices: yes. He will. Until he is done making them. Then he will begin to make wise choices but the wisdom will be rotted in the unwise choices. This is a very common way of being for 19 year old males. One shrugs, tells them to enjoy their time in jail or prison and then goes on with life. The boy will make a few more mistakes in prison and then it will start to sink in where he is at. As for whether or not you approve of his choice in women...don't worry, he'll go through quite a few in his life. The very best way to make sure he continues to see her is to forbid it because then she is forbidden fruit and you know what that means!

    You may find the information on the site, www.thework.org to be beneficial right now in the situation you are in. It's free and VERY helpful at figuring out where it will be most effective to devote one's energies.

    May these words be of benefit and cause no harm.
    May you abide in true peace.
    Om Shanti
    Kai

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yogi_Kai View Post
    Namaste,

    The advice of the other two is correct. We have a visitor in our home for 18 years or so. During this time, we try to teach them the rules of life as we understand them, but then it is time for them to discover for themselves what they are capable of.

    What is of greater interest to me is why you might be feeling used. You can only be used if you allow your own power to be usurped by another. No one can take your power unless you let them; read "give it to them." Why have you chosen to give him your power? I note that you are angry that he has it, but I think the anger is rooted in your knowing that you have given him the power to use you. If you direct your attention inward to the source of the anger rather than outward to the trigger of it, you will find a much greater healing for yourself than anything you might say to him about it.

    I can take all the guesswork out of whether your son will continue to make ineffective choices: yes. He will. Until he is done making them. Then he will begin to make wise choices but the wisdom will be rotted in the unwise choices. This is a very common way of being for 19 year old males. One shrugs, tells them to enjoy their time in jail or prison and then goes on with life. The boy will make a few more mistakes in prison and then it will start to sink in where he is at. As for whether or not you approve of his choice in women...don't worry, he'll go through quite a few in his life. The very best way to make sure he continues to see her is to forbid it because then she is forbidden fruit and you know what that means!

    You may find the information on the site, www.thework.org to be beneficial right now in the situation you are in. It's free and VERY helpful at figuring out where it will be most effective to devote one's energies.

    May these words be of benefit and cause no harm.
    Ding Ding Ding!! we have a winner here. You are correct Yogi, giving up our power to others is a horrible feeling..it promotes all the feelings this kind mother has for her son. I think far sadder still is that she is ambivalent about taking it back from her so for fear he will make more poor choices.

    Mom, take it back...let your son learn the lessons he needs to in order for him to be the MAN you taught him to be.

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    Thank you for the advice. You all for the most part said exactly what my head (and family) have been telling me for quite some time now but I can never seem to get my heart to follow. I know I have been his crutch and need to stop, I just don't know how to get over the feeling that I can "help" him. I am going to write him a letter and tell him exactly how I feel and the anger and sadness that his father, sister, and I have because of the choices he has made. I will not say anything about the girlfriend (I never have) and just hope that one day he wakes up regarding her. Wish me luck I think our long road just got longer.

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    Namaste, djb,

    A couple questions, if I may: if you COULDN'T think the thought that he should be making choices you agree with, (and I'm not telling you to not think that way) how do you imagine you would feel? Would you still feel angry? Disappointed? Or would you feel free, happy, at peace? If the answer is "at peace", then it can't be his choices that are the cause of the problem. If his choices doesn't bother others in a similar way, then it likely isn't the actions that are the cause of the emotions you are going through. If they aren't the cause of those emotions and you aren't willing to work on the cause (your thought patterns), do you think that you will be free of those emotions even if he changes his behaviors? Or might you just find something else that will act as the trigger to those emotions?

    May these words be of benefit.
    May you abide in true peace.
    Om Shanti
    Kai

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    Quote Originally Posted by djb View Post
    Thank you for the advice. You all for the most part said exactly what my head (and family) have been telling me for quite some time now but I can never seem to get my heart to follow. I know I have been his crutch and need to stop, I just don't know how to get over the feeling that I can "help" him. I am going to write him a letter and tell him exactly how I feel and the anger and sadness that his father, sister, and I have because of the choices he has made. I will not say anything about the girlfriend (I never have) and just hope that one day he wakes up regarding her. Wish me luck I think our long road just got longer.
    The human heart is the place where we store all our emotions...at least in a fantasy kind of way. The reality is our emotions are all stored in our brain and are a complex chain of neurons, chemicals and other things I failed biology for. Your head knows what needs to happen and what you need to do...in the end that is the organ that you must heed. Feel free to write him a letter explaining how you feel...but don't forget to put in the steps that you will be taking to remove yourself from his life (no longer sending him $, etc) Only when you have that plan in place will your heart step aside and allow you to do what you need to do in order to get past all this.

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    Just want to let you know I feel your pain. Sounds like I may be in a similar situation...always thinking I can help...sometimes I think that thought process just makes things worse. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't! Hang in there!

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    How long has your Son been in? Anger is never the solution. Don't enable him by giving too much of things. Love is enough.

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    Hello,
    I completely understand you anger and pain. I as well have my sons in jail not one not two but three. It is very sad to see your sons make bad decisions but the only thing you can do is support him listen and allow him to understand that what he does has an impact in your life. if he chooses to make a bad decision due to you expressing your feelings that is totally up to him. I was angry with mine and the system for giving such a punishment for a fight when there are so many criminals out there and rapist that hurt little children and all they get is a slap in their hand. I have been going to therapy trying to learn how to love my grown sons. and it has reallly helped understand that I have zero control over their actings. I will not let them go hungry or be homeless but I will have to learn to let go and allow them to become responsible young men. As we all humans make mistakes we also learned from our mistakes. It is up to them to fall and learn to get up strong and with a positive attitude. Unfortunately, they may still make poor decisions and we as parents have to just love them unconditionally. and if putting money in his books makes you feel used then dont put as much just enough to get by. You have the right to feel and express the pain and anger all this has caused you. I hope that my words have helped you a little.

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    To DJB - I have the exact same problem as you do...My son just was released from a halfway house and I will tell you that I was very foolish in giving him money every single week....I feel very used and it was my own fault because I let him do this to me! He has been home for almost a week and I can already see some old patterns that I do not like....Constantly asking for money. He is 19 years old and I have told him he has to get a job, get his GED and do things for himself. My problem is in saying all of these things somehow I feel guilty but I can't quite figure it out. I am really struggling because deep down inside I know that I need to stand my ground and keep saying no to his wants. It's just so hard....I feel like I've been a great mom but sometimes I wonder if I've been "too great" of a mom and haven't let him struggle enough with doing things on his own. It's fear that holds me back....I am taking it 1 day at a time.

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    I also have a 22yr old son that just got sentence to 2 yrs. and also has a baby that i help with. my advice to you would be to just always be real with him no matter what .... he will respect you more believe me my son knows he will always get my honesty no matter what I hope this helps you remember this as a parent ..... WHAT DOESNT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER WE AS PARENTS NEED NEED TO SHOW OUR HARD HEADED ONES TOUGH LOVE

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    It is hard to deal with the anger you feel as a mom, while you are still mourning the loss of your son to your daily life, but it's time to pull back and quit trying to make it easy for him. Leave the securepacks for birthday and christmas, and just because you CAN spend $85 doesn't mean you HAVE TO. Set up a phone account for your phone, if he wants to call other people, you shouldn't have to pay for it. You feel used because you are being used.

    I know it's hard to step back, it's against all our maternal instincts, but it's time. As long as you let him, he will try to use your sorrow or guilt or what ever will work for him. He's there because of choices that he--not you--made, you need to let him figure that out and pay his own debt. And by all means, write him a letter and put it all out there.

    It's time for him to man up, and time for you to get over thinking you must be responsible, somehow, for him ending up there. You are not, and it's not on you to pay his consequences. Good luck and be strong!

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    I miss my daughter everyday and i cry alot. and at the same time im dealing with anger
    issues with her.i have her three children ages 7 ,4 and20mnths.i am suppose to be a grandma
    i am suppose to be spoiling them instead i was forced into the role of aparent.when the other grandparent come to see them the kids are so close with them and i feel resentful.
    on the other hand i am so glad that i am here to see to there care and protect and love them.i wouldnt have it any other way.i guess im on a roller coaster of feelings.

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    Wow! Our son is coming home in 2 days (went to his MRD)... I've been there, done that and now it's TOTALLY up to him... not me! We have custody of our now 3 yrs young granddaughter... have since she was 6-months old. We're in our 50's and SHE is our number one now. We love our son but after all of this and our support he's going to step up and be a man, father and son. As hard as it may sound... we love him and believe in him but the bottom line is... it's NOT up to us!

 

 
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