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  1. #1
    NorthernStar30
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    Default Please Keep Me Sane

    Hi Everyone, I am really having a hard time right now. I am trying to be strong but I think it has gotten to the point where I just want to cry. As many of you know, Chris has been under a lot of stress, it seems to be getting worse. He found out Friday that his BM#3 sister was murdered. I have been very strong because as many of you know, I have a serious problem with BM#3. They called the prison to tell him and of course he talked to her. I told him how sorry I was (he knew the sister very well, she was young and always very good to Chris) and that I would be there for him. I told him if BM #3 showed up to visit or wrote him that I wanted him to be nice. Last night when we talked he said that he had called BM #3 's mom to tell her how sorry he was and BM#3 was there. She got on the phone and she was crying telling him she didn't know how to deal with it and even apologized for leaving him within days of his own sister's death in early 2009. He told her it wasn't about her and him, this was about her sister. So then she went on to tell him how she's changed and it sounds like she is trying to get back with him. I have been so supportive, he has no idea how I feel or that I am hurting. I don't want him to know. When we get off the phone all I do is cry, I don't want to talk to anyone and I just feel like I am going to lose him. He has enough to worry about. But I have this serious insecurity in me right now. He has reassured me that he loves me every single day and told me no one has ever been there for him like me. I even told him I would help him send flowers to the mother of the victim and a teddy bear for each of the victim's children. I am doing all that I can to show him that I am always in his corner but this is hard. I know that BM#3 is taking his compassion personally and thinking he is doing it for her. She is seeing what an amazing man she threw away and now wants to tell him she changed. I know that he loves me but I can't help thinking that they have a past together and this could bring them closer.... I told him that he should make peace with her and that something good could come out of something so bad. They are not even civil and until this hadn't talked in months. They need to for the sake of their daughter. I say these things to him and I know it's what a supportive loving partner does but inside I am breaking apart. I would never bring this up to him. I am on here talking about it because I don't know how to handle it. He is an amazing boyfriend to me and I love him with all of my heart. I'm just scared. He said after the flowers are sent that he is done, he won't call again. He said he doesn't want to do his time like that (with all the drama on the outside) and needs to focus on us because that's what makes him happy. I'm just so depressed and worried that her reading so much into this will lead to something. This is our first real storm. Sorry that this is so scattered, I am just really not feeling myself. Again, I have not mentioned these insecurities to him and I won't....

  2. #2
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    I can understand how your feeling, but you are doing the right thing. He will respect and love you more for supporting him. You have to trust him and believe him when he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you. I totally get the insecure feelings, we all have them. Hope sharing here has helped.


    Parole was granted! He's really coming home!




  3. #3
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    Hi Northernstar30, I agree with waitnforJames comment. You must be patient and try to think positive. He your says he's appreciative of all your support trust him. It's amiable of U to send teddy bears to the children. God bless.

  4. #4
    NorthernStar30
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    Thank you girls. It was his idea to send the teddy bears. He is such a compassionate person. I just wanted to help him. I have to put my feelings to the side and be there for him right now. I would do anything in my power to help him show his condolences.... That's why I encouraged and helped him with this.

  5. #5
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    I would not interpret her reaching out to him as a sign that she wants him back. This is a horrible time for her, and he knows her sister as well. She is undoubtedly finding comfort and compassion where ever she can. That's a huge traumatic event to lose a family member in such a horrible way. Stay supportive for him, he will see that you are true blue.

  6. #6
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    I agree with the ladies- you are doing the right thing. I have one question- do you believe him when he tells you he loves you and only wants to be with you? Because it sounds like you don't- not trying to be harsh or anything. We all have insecurities hun- that's just a part of love in general. You have to trust WHOLE HEARTEDLY because without trust you have nothing. It seems like that's your biggest issue. Create a bubble for just you and him in your mind- don't allow anyone else in except for God and you will begin to see your relationship grow. If there is no room for other people/drama/depressing and sad news there will be nothing to question. Take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up. From what I hear your a VERY good catch for him and he would be freakin insane to mess that up. We love you!

  7. #7
    NorthernStar30
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    Angel80 you are too freaking sweet. :-)
    I know that he loves me, I really do... I also know that he wants to be with me.... I think I am just afraid to trust anyone with my full heart and with him it's almost like I have no control over my heart anymore. I just give him my all and I can't control it. Going through this time with him, wow, I have never been so selfless with anyone. My friends "out here" said they have never seen me like this. I just want to be a supportive partner and let him know that I'll be there no matter what. I couldn't do that with anyone before... I guess I just feel so overwhelmed because I have never wanted so badly to do the right thing. I sometimes get down because we did meet MWI and I guess it's hard to know he had a past without me. I don't know if that makes sense, I probably didn't word it correctly. While I do not like his ex, I told him that I wanted him to be nice and be there for her. That was the hardest thing but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.

  8. #8
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    You already know what i think =)
    Just know im always a phone call away =)
    Everything will be okay =)
    xoxo
    *I may not have been there from the start but I sure will be there until the end! Yo Te Amo Mi Amor Siempre Y Para Siempre*


    Yo te amo mi esposo siempre y para siempre <3 02.14.2011 <3

  9. #9
    NorthernStar30
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    His Princesa - How would I survive without your friendship? I can contact you at one in the morning and you will be there to talk and encourage me! It means so much to me and it will always work both ways.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by NorthernStar30 View Post
    His Princesa - How would I survive without your friendship? I can contact you at one in the morning and you will be there to talk and encourage me! It means so much to me and it will always work both ways.
    aww i know girly... and it could be 1am 5am 10 pm 2 pm i dont care haha =) we will both get through this prison nightmare .... no one said life would be easy... thats why you need good friends =) ... oh i got the martha vineyard detox book today... i will read up on it and we can do it together =) sexy mamas here we come ;-) altho we already are haha
    *I may not have been there from the start but I sure will be there until the end! Yo Te Amo Mi Amor Siempre Y Para Siempre*


    Yo te amo mi esposo siempre y para siempre <3 02.14.2011 <3

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by NorthernStar30 View Post
    Angel80 you are too freaking sweet. :-)
    I know that he loves me, I really do... I also know that he wants to be with me.... I think I am just afraid to trust anyone with my full heart and with him it's almost like I have no control over my heart anymore. I just give him my all and I can't control it. Going through this time with him, wow, I have never been so selfless with anyone. My friends "out here" said they have never seen me like this. I just want to be a supportive partner and let him know that I'll be there no matter what. I couldn't do that with anyone before... I guess I just feel so overwhelmed because I have never wanted so badly to do the right thing. I sometimes get down because we did meet MWI and I guess it's hard to know he had a past without me. I don't know if that makes sense, I probably didn't word it correctly. While I do not like his ex, I told him that I wanted him to be nice and be there for her. That was the hardest thing but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
    Thanks boo- just tryna be here for you and all the ladies on jpay as I would want you to do for me. It is CRAZY right? Being so selfless for someone- I too have never been like this before. He is constantly telling me that he NEVER had someone do the things for him that I've done. And when he comes home it WILL NOT STOP! I've been in love before and I've been hurt really bad before- I even said I wouldn't do the love thing again. Welp- here I am head over heals uncontrollably unconditionally in love AND IT FEELS FREAKIN AWESOME!!!

  12. #12
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    Don't ever say anything to him that you don't mean...if you want to be the supportive, loving girlfriend, then don't say things just because you think they are what he wants to hear or things that you SHOULD say because you are a kind and loving person. Guys hear things only one way...exactly the way you say them.
    AS for your insecurities, remember that they are yours...not his. It is not up to him to do any more than it sounds like he is already doing to convince you that you are the one he wants to be with. At some point, you just have to take a deep breath and jump in with both feet. Don't worry about "what could happen", what is going to happen will happen...nothing you can do will change that. However you have total control over the choice to believe him when he says that he loves you. Its in your hands now.

    Best of luck sweety.

  13. #13
    NorthernStar30
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    Thanks everybody. I am just really tired today. I haven't slept in days. My feelings are hurt and I feel like everyday when Chris calls I need to pretend that everything is alright and it's not alright. But what am I going to do, this is not about me, this is about something Chris is going through. I cannot imagine having two friends murdered in the same week. Instead of being strong, I am beginning to crumble. I am crying while I am writing this. I missed his call last night and it just added to this. I am becoming depressed. I know this relationship is going to be hard and my friends keep telling me when you're at the bottom the only place to go is up. I know I have something special with him but I am having trouble dealing with all of this at once. For those of you that commented that BM#3 doesn't want him back, that's not true, she does want him back. She has wanted him back for a long time. She refuses to believe that its over romantically. Yes they have a child together and she is going to be in his life. I am well aware and I know that they need to have a relationship for the child. He doesn't see her or talk to her on a regular basis, most communication is through his grandmother because they have a hard time being civil to one another but in this case I feel that he needs to be nice to her and compassionate. That's the person that he is and one of the many reasons that I love him. BUT I feel like she may be reading too much into this. And yes I know how selfish I sound, that's why I am writing on here and not sharing this with the whole world. I know that I am going to get some negative feedback but I could really use some kind of encouragement. I am going to stick by him through thick and thin but I am just hurting so bad. I also feel bad for being such a selfish person.

  14. #14
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    aww i'm sorry to hear this and sorry for the added stress u have. dont feel like you're wroong in feeling the way you do cause anyone who loves someone would worry or feel the same because we never know the entire past of the relationships

  15. #15
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    Honey sometimes you have to trust in the strength of your relationship and your bond with him to work through situations. If she is a bm, you have to be prepared to deal with her at some point and you do want it to be amiable. It appears to me that he absolutely adores you and cares about your feelings which is why he is still informing you of the limits of his kindness. Cheer up lady you gotta a good one!

  16. #16
    NorthernStar30
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    Thanks everyone. This situation has gotten so much better. It seems like his depression has really lifted and he has been acting more like himself. We have been talking multiple times per day again and I just feel so thankful to hear him smiling / laughing on the phone. He told me that no one has ever been there for him like I was. I couldn't imagine not being there for him, there was never a question. I would be with him through anything and this situation was extremely difficult. BUT we made it through and came out stronger. I love him, he is such an amazing and compassionate person.

  17. #17
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    Glad to hear things are back on track!!


    Parole was granted! He's really coming home!




 

 
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